The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

(Dorothy stumbles onto the stage, obviously in a bit of a daze from all the fun she’s been having.)

Dorothy: Thanks for the ride, Zeke! See you next week!

(She puts a hand to her mouth, realising she may have alerted Auntie Em to her whereabouts. She begins to creep towards a door when she hears a call.)

Em: (Offstage) Dorothy! Dorothy Gale! (Enters.) Where have you been?

Dorothy: Oh, I just went for a little walk.

Em: Then why did I hear wheels?

Dorothy: Well, the Guthrie boys, they saw me walking back and offered me a lift.

Em: The Guthries?! Oh, Dorothy, you know I don’t like them.

Dorothy: But, Auntie Em, it was so much fun! They took me to the fair, and there were clowns, and magicians, and even a lion in a cage!

Em: The fair? How many times do I have to tell you the rules?

Dorothy: But, Auntie Em-

Em: I saw a man get blown away, Dorothy. Sucked right into the sky, balloon and all. It was horrifying.

Dorothy: But I wasn’t in an air balloon. I stayed in the cart.

Em: Well, now you’ll stay in your room. If I can’t trust you to follow the rules, you’ll just have to stay here where I know you’re safe.

Dorothy: But it’s so boring here.

Em: Not another word! Get inside!

 (Dorothy runs off, crying.)

Em: And with a storm coming as well!

(Dorothy re enters, and runs into Uncle Henry.)

Henry: Whoah, there, Dorothy. Where are you headed?

Dorothy: To my room.

Henry: Oh, no you’re not. There’s a twister coming.

Dorothy: What?

Henry: It’s all hands to the storm cellar. You don’t want to be in the house when that hits.

Dorothy: You mean I don’t have to go to my room?

Henry: I expressly forbid it. Now-

Dorothy: Yay! Oh, thank you, Uncle Henry! (She runs off in joy.)

Henry: Dorothy, the storm cellar’s that way. (To himself) How can she not know where the storm cellar is, after all this time? (He exits down the trap door, shaking his head.)

(Dorothy runs along, between the audience and the stage.)

Dorothy: Come on, Toto. If we run, we might make it to the Guthrie’s for supper!

(For the first time, we see Toto- a normal player in black dress, with either an animal hood or a cap made to look like a dog’s head. He runs along, on two legs, yapping.)

Dorothy: Toto, keep-

(We hear a loud crash. A chorus member runs on, holding a large box aloft, as though it’s being carried by the wind. They land it just next to Dorothy, who throws herself to the floor. They then pick it up again, and mime it being blown away, eventually landing it against the stage wall. The chorus member then moves and exits.)

Dorothy: Oh my goodness, Toto! We’d better get back.

(She starts running in the other direction, and eventually mounts the stage, miming the terrible effects of the wind. She eventually reaches the trap door, and tries to open it, but another box comes slamming down on top of it before she can.)

Dorothy: Toto, into the house!

(They run offstage, as a new box, decorated to look like a house, is carried on. Dorothy walks beneath it, and mimics the movement of the box, as it glides around the stage, passed between members of the chorus, who always hold it at the maximum height they can. If possible, other chorus members run across the stage with sheets, swirling around the house etc. During this, someone places the slippers down near the upper right hand corner of the stage, and the box lands behind it, making it look like the shoes’ owner is beneath the box. Dorothy emerges from behind the box, along with Toto. They look around, at the strange world which is forming around them- members of the chorus bringing on plants, pretending to be animals. Dorothy takes this in during a long, slow spin on her heel, until she sees her house and gasps and clasps her hands to her face when she sees the feet protruding.)

Dorothy: Oh no!

(She runs over.)

Dorothy: Don’t worry, I’ll help-

(She knocks one of the shoes, which is revealed to be filled with salt/sand. She shrieks. The Witch of the North appears.)

North: Don’t worry, dear, that wasn’t you. She did that to herself.

Dorothy: She- she turned to dust?

North: Evil dries up the soul like nothing else. She was mainly just sand and malice by the end. She’ll be washed away by the next rain. Witches don’t do too well in water.

Dorothy: Witches?!

North: Yes, beneath your, dare I say, magnificent broomstick, lies the wicked witch of the east. Or, what’s left of her.

Dorothy: Broomstick?

North: Yes, a very grandiose model. I could see it from miles away. It’s the reason I flew down here. Thought it might be Glinda showing off. (Aside) Again. (Back to talking to Dorothy) I didn’t expect to find- well, she did rather bring it on herself, I guess.

Dorothy: It’s not a broomstick, it’s my house.

North: Yes, that would explain the general lack of aerodynamics. And the fact that it’s not a broom.

Dorothy: You mean to say, the woman that I just...crushed was...

Boq: (Hiding behind a plant pot.) A vicious tyrant!

North: Boq! What have I told you about listening in on other people’s conversations?

Benina: You told him it was rude and anyone who did it’s ears would drop off.

North: Okay, anyone hiding, come out, right now!

(Chorus members emerge from every possible point on stage.)

North: That includes the people pretending to be peacocks!

(Those pretending to be animals become munchkins instantly.)

North: Right. Listen to me, everyone. What you have heard is true. The Wicked Witch of the East is dead!

(The munchkins all burst into celebration, start cheering and dancing.)

North: That’s a tad crass; she was a human being after all. Alright, enough with the dancing! ENOUGH WITH THE DANCING!

(The munchkins stop celebrating abruptly.)

North: Munchkins, listen well- you have one person to thank, and one only for your new freedom! And that is- what was your name again?

Dorothy: Dorothy Gale.

North: Dorothy Gale, the new witch of the East!

Dorothy: What? No! I can’t be a witch! I need to get home.

Benina: Where’s home?

Boq: If it’s anywhere near Gillikin country, I can give you a lift.

Dorothy: Well, actually I’m from Kansas.

Benina: Kansas?

Boq: Never heard of it.

(They giver her a ‘we hate foreigners’ look.)

North: Well, you can’t go back the way you came, and if it’s outside Oz, you certainly can’t walk.

Dorothy: Why not?

North: The deadly desert; it surrounds Oz on all sides. No one can cross it. Well, I say no one...

Dorothy: Yes?

North: They say the wizard flew in from across the desert.

Dorothy: There are wizards here too?

North: Only one, dear. The wonderful wizard of Oz himself.

Dorothy: Do you think he could fly me across the desert?

North: Oh, there’s no doubt that he could. But you’d have to go and plead your case yourself.

Dorothy: Where can I find this wizard?

North: He lives in the Emerald city. It’s a long way away, through a dark and hazardous forest filled with nightmarish beasts, horrible abominations and ancient magic. Luckily, though, the path is very clearly demarcated.

Dorothy: (Horrified) Hooray.

North: Yes, all you have to do is follow the yellow brick road. It’ll lead you right to the gates of the Emerald city. Boq will escort you part of the way.

Boq: Gladly.

North: Now, let’s start cleaning up- (she turns to the house) Oh. Oh dear.

Dorothy: What?

North: She was wearing the slippers.

Dorothy: So?

North: Oh dear. Oh dear.

Dorothy: What’s wrong?

North: Well, those slippers are... widely sought after. Well, I say widely; it’s mainly just one woman. One incredibly...devoted woman. She’s....um...very passionate about those shoes.

Dorothy: So why don’t you give them to her?

North: The other problem is, she’s a...wicked witch.

Dorothy: Another one?

North: Yes, the wicked witch of the west. And it’s vitally important she doesn’t get those shoes; they’re very, very powerful. They could spell the end of Oz as we know it.

Dorothy: What do they do?

North: No idea. But I know they have immense power. Remember that, Dorothy; because you must take them.

Dorothy: What?

North: You’re the only one in Oz who’s ever managed to kill a wicked witch. You’re the only one she’ll be afraid of.

Dorothy: But it was an accident!

North: You have to take them, and you have to make sure she doesn’t get a hold of them. I can offer you some protection against her. (She kisses Dorothy on her forehead, leaving a mark there.) This will protect you against dark magic; but the witch is cunning, and will be watching you. Be careful. And thankyou, Dorothy, for freeing the munchkins. They’re very dear to me. Now, go!

(Dorothy looks around, and then sets off. All the munckins, except Amy, leave. Ginger enters, wiping down a frying pan. Amy enters, shellshocked.)

Ginger: Amy, where have you been? I saw a mouse, Amy, you know how much I hate mice and I had to chase it out all by myself and then I started thinking there’d be more, and I felt so frightened I had to leave the house and I didn’t get any chores done and she’ll be so angry-

Amy: She’s dead.

Ginger: What?

Amy: Ginger, she’s dead. A little girl dropped a house on her.

Ginger: Oh my God…

Amy: We’re free. (Ginger holds back a sob of happiness.) We’re free!

(They run and embrace. At that moment, a gang of men burst in.)

Man #1: Alright, grab everything you can.

Amy: What?!

Man #1: Anything that’s magical, we can sell to the Wizard. Anything that’s pretty, we keep for ourselves.

Man #2: Does that include the girls? (Ginger clings to Amy.) Are you lost, sweetheart? (Advances on Ginger.)

Amy: Don’t touch her!

Man #1: They seem to know their way well enough. Grab the loot and let’s go, before someone else gets here.

Amy: That’s ours!

Man #1: You don’t look like a wicked witch to me.

Ginger: Amy, don’t.

Amy: She kept us as slaves. Now she’s gone, this stuff is ours by right.

Man #1: We can’t let little girls handle items of such dangerous magic potential. Anything could happen.

Amy: It was a girl who killed the Wicked Witch of the East! All you men ever did was cower in front of her!

Ginger: Amy, please-

Man #2: (Looking at the trinket around Amy’s neck.) Well, that’s pretty. I’m sure my wife would love it. (Amy clutches her hand around the necklace.)

Amy: Touch it and I swear I’ll-

Man #2: Scream? Feel free.

(The men start to advance.)

Ginger: Amy…

Amy: Ginger, when I say, run.

(The man closest to Amy makes his move, and she attempts to react. Before she can, however, Ginger knees him in the crotch. He stumbles to the floor, gasping.)

Ginger: I know all of the witch’s spells! (The men all freeze.) Tell any man who tries to come here that I’ll turn him into stone!

(The men look at each other, and the run out.)

Amy: You just attacked him.

Ginger: Amy, that was exhilarating. I felt so powerful. I…just told them what to do and they did it.

Amy: You didn’t even think about it.

Ginger: We have to tell them.

Amy: Who?

Ginger: The women of Oz. We have to tell them that they can be free. (She runs off, Amy hesitates for a moment and then follows her. Dorothy and Boq enter.)

Dorothy: So, Boq, why does Oz never show up on any maps?

Boq: It’s a funny thing about cartographers- if they can’t reach you without dying, they tend to presume you don’t exist.

(The Kalidah appears.)

Boq: Stand very still.

Dorothy: What?

Boq: A kalidah. Half bear, half tiger. All fury. But with terrible eyesight. If you don’t move it might not spot you.

(The pair stand very still, as the Kalidah sniff the air. Suddenly, Toto starts barking. The Kalidah turns to face them.)

Dorothy: Toto, shush!

Kalidah: What’s that?

Boq: You’re on your own, toots. (Exits.)

(Dorothy stands very still, as the Kalidah gets closer. Suddenly, the Scarecrow appears.)

Scarecrow: Excuse me, are you tracking that tiger?

Kalidah: Who said that?

Scarecrow: Oh, just me.

Kalidah: Do you want to be eaten?

Scarecrow: Oh, you wouldn’t want me. No meat, all straw. Take a sniff. (The Kalidah does so.) But that tiger you’re hunting, hoo boy, a week’s worth of meat on that one, I’m sure.

Kalidah: What tiger?

Scarecrow: Well, the one that’s right behind you. Turn around and take a whiff.

(The Kalidah turns his head around and takes a whiff, and then smiles excitedly.)

Kalidah: I do smell tiger, I do!

Scarecrow: Well, he just ran off the way you came- go after him!

Kalidah: I will! (Bounds off.)

Dorothy: Oh, thank you, that was ever so clever!

Scarecrow: Clever? Not me.

Dorothy: Oh, but you were. You managed to get rid of it.

Scarecrow: No, that was just luck. The Kalidah doesn’t have much of a brain, and neither do I.

Dorothy: What do you mean?

Scarecrow: I was made by a munchkin farmer long ago to scare the crows away from his crops.

Dorothy: You’re a scarecrow?

Scarecrow: Oh, is that the word for it? That makes sense. The first thing he did was paint two eyes on a sack, so I got to see myself being made which was...interesting. He made my legs from some old trousers, and stuffed a shirt with straw to make my chest. He gave me arms and a nose, and even a pipe. But no brain.

Dorothy: Then how can you talk?

Scarecrow: Impression of consciousness.

Dorothy: What?

Scarecrow: Nothing. And then he put me on this stick, and I’ve been here ever since. I’m not very good at my job- crows are actually quite intelligent animals, and I feel I should defer to them.

Dorothy: Well, why not leave?

Scarecrow: I would! But there’s a nail in my back, and I’m stuck here.

Dorothy: Well, I could get you down. You saved my life after all. And then, maybe you’d like to come with me? I’m going to see the Wizard of Oz. He might be able to give you a brain.

Scarecrow: Do you really think so?

Dorothy: Of course! They say he’s every so powerful.

Scarecrow: Well, then, would you mind? I would so like a change of scenery.

Dorothy: Of course. Here.

(She lets him down. The scarecrow takes his first steps on the earth.)

Scarecrow: My goodness, the ground! It’s so much springier than I imagined! (He jumps up and down on the ground.) It looks so hard from up there, but really, it’s soft!

Dorothy: I’m Dorothy, by the way. Dorothy Gale.

Scarecrow: Gale? Well, that explains your breezy personality!

(He starts to run along joyfully and Dorothy and Toto follow behind. The witch of the west enters, a telescope to her eye, which she puts down, the cat accompanies her.)

West: She’s wearing the shoes. How dare she! (Thunder cracks.)

Cat: They’re just shoes. Stop moaning about it.

West: I need them! (Thunder cracks once more.)

Cat: So go and get them.

West: I can’t touch her myself- but I’m not the only one in Oz with a sting. (Laughs evilly.) Buzz buzz buzz! (Exits.)

(Dorothy, Toto and the scarecrow re-enter.)

Scarecrow: You don’t have kalidahs, witches or Munchkins?

Dorothy: No.

Scarecrow: It must be a paradise.

(They hear buzzing. BEE ATTACK SEQUENCE- during this sequence, the bees swarm Dorothy, Toto and Scarecrow, and they try to hide behind the tin man, whom they discover in the woods. Using them as a shield, they manage to fend off the bees.)

Dorothy: What do you think this statue is doing here?

Tin Man: (Straining to speak) Not...a...statue.

Scarecrow: It can talk!

Tin Man: Not...an...it!

Dorothy: The bees didn’t hurt you, did they?

Tin Man: No...oil can.

Dorothy: Oil can? (She goes and collects it and mimes oiling up the Tin Man.)

Tin Man: Oh, oh, thank you.

Dorothy: I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have let the bees sting you if I’d known.

Tin Man: It’s fine. I can’t feel anything. I’m made of tin.

Scarecrow: Wow, what’s that like?

Tin Man: Well, it would be fine...except I don’t have a heart. Not anymore.

Dorothy: What do you mean?

(As he tells his story, it is acted out behind him. (Amy’s sister is Ginger.))

Tin Man: I wasn’t born this way. I was flesh and blood; I was a woodsman. But then I fell in love with the sweetest girl. She was kind and funny, and oh, I loved her so. She was an orphan, and had been apprenticed to a witch since she was a little girl. I went to that witch and asked for her hand in marriage; she refused, of course, not willing to give up her servant. So Amy and I planned to elope. But the witch was cruel- as I was chopping wood out here in the forest, she enchanted my axe, and it turned on me. It cut off my arms and legs. Luckily, Amy’s cousin was a tinsmith. She found me, and he fixed me up, gave my new limbs made out of tin. But the witch wasn’t done. No sooner was I saved than my axe came to life once more, and cut my head from my body! Amy’s cousin was prepared- he knew how determined the witch could be, and he had a head of tin already made. He placed it on my body, and I was fine once more. Amy and I were all set to be married. But the witch’s cruelty knew no bounds. She came to visit me on the night before my wedding, disguised as a relative. And then she cut out my heart. I stumbled into the tinsmith’s shop, and found a big sheet of metal to wrap around my chest, to stop the bleeding. Once again, I was perfectly healthy. Only now, I lacked a heart. I no longer felt anything for my dear Amy; I walked out of the shop, wanting to clear my head. I didn’t realise it was raining; I rusted only a few steps from the door. Amy’s sister came and found me, the night after the wedding was meant to happen. She thought I’d abandoned her, so she left the oil can there to taunt me, just out of my grasp. It was no less than I deserved.

Dorothy: No. No, you couldn’t help what happened.

Tin Man: I’ve been here a year and I spent all that time thinking of Amy, wishing I could love her again.

Dorothy: Well, maybe you can. My friend and I are going to see the Wizard of Oz; he’s going to ask the wizard for a brain, and I’m going to ask to go home. Why don’t you ask him to give you a heart? Then you could find Amy, explain what happened, and get married.

Tin Man: That sounds wonderful. Oh, please let me come with you. Please.

Dorothy: We’d be honoured.

(They set off.)

Scarecrow: So this head he made for you, does it have a brain in it?

Tin Man: Well, of course not. Why would you want one? I had one and I still ended up rusted for a year. Just a waste of time if you ask me.

(The witch of the west reappears behind the pillar, the cat comes on from the other side.)

West: Gather friends all you want, girlie. I’ll just kill them as well! Cat, go and release the dire raven.

(The witch leaves, as the friends march on again.)

Scarecrow: No, I’d much rather be without a heart. So what if you can’t feel love, you also can’t get heartbroken.

Tin Man: Well, it must be brilliant not having a brain-you can’t overthink anything. (He stops.)

Scarecrow: What is it?

Tin Man: I stepped on a beetle! (Starts to cry.)

Dorothy: Oh, don’t cry, you’ll rust again. (Pause.) Can you hear that?

(RAVEN ATTACK SEQUENCE- in which the raven attacks, goes for the eyes of the friends, is about to maul one of them when the lion bursts in and kills the raven, from behind.)

Dorothy: Oh, thankyou. Thankyou-

(The lion roars at her, and she screams and ducks behind the scarecrow. The lion goes to pounce on him, but Toto gets in the way and barks. The Lion screams girlishly and retreats.)

Lion: Is he rabid?

Dorothy: Of course not.

Lion: I think he got some of his rabies foam on me.

Dorothy: He doesn’t have rabies!

Lion: Alright, there’s no need to shout.

Dorothy: You shouted at me.

Lion: Yes, but…(quietly) you’re much smaller than me.

Scarecrow: Well, you’re just a bully.

Lion: No...I’m a coward. I haven’t any courage.

Dorothy: But you just slew that raven.

Lion: His back was to me. That wasn’t real courage.

Dorothy: Well, you still saved us, and one good turn deserves another. Mr. Lion, if you’d like, you could join us on our trip to the Emerald city. I’m sure the wizard could give you some courage.

Lion: A wizard? Is- is he dangerous?

Scarecrow: Yes.

Dorothy: No. No, of course not.

Scarecrow: Dorothy, are you sure we can trust him? He just tried to attack us.

Tin Man: Yeah, and we already have a dumb animal. (Points at Toto.)

Lion: I can talk!

Tin Man: That’s not what I meant by dumb.

Lion: Please, let me come with you. It’s a nightmare being so afraid of everything; I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, everything’s just one big fright.

(Toto sneaks up behind the Lion and nudges him in the back; the Lion jumps and screams girlishly.)

Lion: See what I mean?

Dorothy: Come on, Scarecrow- we can’t just leave him.

Scarecrow: Fine. But he better not cry every time he steps on a bug!

Lion: Nope, look!

(He demonstrates. Tin Man starts to well up.)

Dorothy: Go, quickly! Before he starts again!

(They exit, dragging the Tin Man with them. Enter Amy and Ginger.)

Ginger: Women of Oz! You are being lied to! You have been told that you are lesser, that you are stupid and that you are weak. Dorothy Gale has shown us that this is not the case! She succeeded where no man could; she beat the Wicked Witch of the East. And she did it in high heels. Dorothy was not afraid. Dorothy bows to no one. Do you think that Dorothy lets a man rule her life? Do you think Dorothy centers her day around when her husband’s coming home? Do you think Dorothy has ever taken orders from a man? No! Right now, Dorothy Gale is marching to the Emerald City to DEMAND passage home from the Wizard of Oz himself! Women of Oz, be Dorothy. When a man asks you to clean his home, be Dorothy, and say ‘no’. When a man expects you to cook him food, be Dorothy, and disappoint him. When a man tells you what you can’t do, be Dorothy, and do those things a thousand times better than any man ever could! I am going to be Dorothy. Today. I am going to march on the Emerald city, look the wizard in the eye, and tell him the age of man is done! Women of Oz, I ask you- who here is Dorothy?!

Amy: That was…very passionate.

Ginger: Nothing less than my sisters deserve. They’ve been brainwashed, Amy. They’ve been told they’re weak so often, it’s become true. They’re afraid of their own voice. But that can work both ways. We can make them strong, just by telling them they are. But we have to believe it.

Amy: I do. With all my heart, I do, Ginger. But, being strong doesn’t mean we know how to fight- the Emerald city’s a fortress, it’s guarded on all sides. We can’t take on soldiers.

Ginger: Amy, no man will hit a pretty girl. And there is not an ugly face in our army.

(Exeunt Amy and Ginger. The four friends enter and see the city.)

Dorothy: Look, the Emerald city! It’s so bright!

Tin Man: It’s so big!

Scarecrow: The architecture’s awe-inspiring!

Lion: It’s purty!

Toto: Woof.

Toady: Who goes there?

Dorothy: We’re here to see the wizard.

Toady: Nobody sees the wizard. Except for yours truly, of course.

Dorothy: What do you mean? We were sent here by the witch of the north herself.

Toady: Well, then, the witch of the North can see you. The wizard is very busy with appointments.

Scarecrow: How can he have appointments if no one ever sees him?

(Pause.)

Toady: Magic.

Dorothy: But we’ve come so far!

Toady: Well, if you think about it, you’re only halfway back, so you’d best get going.

Dorothy: But I have the ruby slippers!

Toady: (Staring at them) That...changes things. Just a moment.

(He ducks backstage. We hear a muffled conversation and then)

Wizard: WHAT?!

(Toady emerges, looking frightened.)

Toady: He’s agreed to see you, but only one at a time. If you could follow me.

(He leads them off. The Wizard enters.)

Wizard: I haven’t had visitors in years! I don’t even know if my old body doubles still work. Doubles, assemble!

(The four doubles step forward.)

Wizard: First, a test: the giant head!

(The doubles become a head.)

Wizard: Good. Now, who is to be my first guest?

(Toady enters.)

Toady: The first visitor is a man of straw, your majesty.

Wizard: Well, he shouldn’t be too hard to scare. FIRE!

(The body doubles become fire. The wizard retreats to the back of the stage, out of sight. The stage becomes split screen as the Scarecrow enters.)

Wizard: I am Oz, the great and terrible. Why have you sought me, man of straw?

Scarecrow: Well, your greatness, I am but a humble scarecrow, not a brain in my head. And, your worship, I was hoping you might give me one.

Wizard: You travel with the one who slew the witch of the east?

Scarecrow: Yes.

Wizard: Did you have a hand in her demise?

Scarecrow: No, your majesty. I only met her afterwards.

Wizard: But this girl, she now wears the ruby slippers?

Scarecrow: Yes, your majesty.

Wizard: What would you be willing to do for a brain, Scarecrow?

Scarecrow: Anything, your greatness. Anything at all.

Wizard: Would you steal the shoes from this girl?

Scarecrow:...No. Dorothy saved me from the field, and I can never forget that; I would never do anything to betray her.

Wizard: Would all of her companions feel that way?

Scarecrow: Yes. None of could hurt her.

Wizard: Hmmm...you are lucky that I have another task in mind for your group. I will grant all of you your requests- if you can kill the wicked witch of the west.

Scarecrow: What?

Wizard: You heard me. Now, leave!

(The scarercrow exits.)

Toady: A brilliant strategy, my liege. You’ve wanted rid of that witch for years.

Wizard: Who’s next?

Toady: A man made of tin, your majesty.

Wizard: Well, how did that come to be?

Toady: He says he fell afoul of the witch of the east.

Wizard: Well, then, that’s who I’ll be.

(He taps a body double on the shoulder. They transform into the witch of the east. Once more, the wizard steps back and the double lip synchs. The Tin Man enters.)

Tin Man: You!

Wizard: I am Oz, the great and terrible. Why have you sought me, Man of Tin?

Tin Man: I-I- I wish for a heart, to replace the one you cut out!

Wizard: I am not she who damaged you. I am far more terrible! And, luckily for you, far more powerful. I can replace the heart you lost, with just a wave of my hand-

Tin Man: Then please do so!

Wizard: But only if you do something for me.

Tin Man: Anything, your worshipfulness!

Wizard: Kill the wicked witch of the west.

Tin Man: How?

Wizard: I don’t care. Go!

(The Tin Man exits.)

Toady: Sir, that was remarkable. He was terrified of you.

Wizard: It’s what I do, baby.

Toady: The next visitor is a lion.

Wizard: There aren’t any lions left in Oz.

Toady: That’s what I thought.

Wizard: Unless he’s that lion.

Toady: Sir, do you think that’s possible?

Wizard: Anything is possible in Oz. If he is who I think he is, then I know just what form to take.

(This time, he nods at his avatars, and they assume the form of the spider. The wizard steps back. The Lion enters, screams and starts to run.)

Wizard: No, stay.

Lion: How- how did you find me?

Wizard: I am not the spider whom you so greatly fear, but I can become him at any time I wish. Remember that, you coward. Why have you sought me?

Lion: That- that’s why I’m here. I AM a coward, but don’t wish to be.

Wizard: And why should I help you? I rather like you better as a coward- it amuses me.

Lion: I don’t have anything to offer you in return.

Wizard: Oh, but that is untrue; you travel with a witch killer. Aid her in her defeat of the Wicked Witch of the West and I will give you the bravery you ask for.

Lion: The Wicked Witch? But I don’t have the courage to face her!

Wizard: That is why it’s so funny! Now leave my sight, you snivelling insect!

(The Lion runs away, the spider dissolves. The Wizard walks forward, smiling to himself.)

Wizard: Even if I do say so myself, that was rather brilliant.

Toady: How did you know the spider would scare him so?

Wizard: Anything would have scared that idiot, but I happen to know him personally.

Toady: How?

Wizard: Espionage. Who’s next?

Toady: The final visitor, my liege, is named Dorothy. Some say she is a witch of great power, but for now she has assumed the form of a little girl.

Wizard: A girl? Interesting choice. Well, then I’ll be a clown. (Taps his avatar on the shoulder; he immediately assumes the physicality of a clown. The wizard steps back, and now when the wizard speaks, the avatar pretends to be speaking.) All the world loves a clown.

(Dorothy enters. The stage goes split screen, so Dorothy and the clown speak to the audience.)

Wizard: I am Oz, the great and terrible. Do I speak to Dorothy, the one who slew the wicked witch of the east?

Dorothy: Yes, your grace.

Wizard: And how did you manage that?

Dorothy: It...it just happened, your grace.

Wizard: Could it happen again?

Dorothy: She’s already dead, your majesty.

Wizard: There is another wicked witch, though.

Dorothy: I know; I was warned by the witch of the North.

Wizard: Then why not slay her as well? Rid Oz of all evil.

Dorothy: I’ve never killed anything willingly.

Wizard: She is wicked, and deserves it.

Dorothy: Then why don’t you kill her?

Wizard: I...am a head of state. It would be improper.

Dorothy: But how is this-

Wizard: DO NOT QUESTION OZ! (Dorothy shrieks.) This is the offer I make you: slay the wicked witch of the west, and I will grant you anything you wish.

Dorothy: You could send me home?

Wizard: Where is home?

Dorothy: Kansas.

Wizard: What?!

Dorothy: Kansas.

(Pause.)

Wizard: Get out! Get out! Leave!

Dorothy: But-

Wizard: Get out of my sight!

(Dorothy leaves, in tears. The clown resumes neutral position and the wizard steps forward.)

Toady: Sire, are you-

Wizard: Leave me be! (He waits a moment, then collapses to the floor.) I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back...

(The avatars surround him to prevent the audience from seeing him crying. The friends all gather on the other side of the stage.)

Scarecrow: What did he say to you, Dorothy?

Dorothy: He said- he said I had to kill the witch of the west.

Tin Man: He told me the same thing.

Lion: And me. I don’t want to face a witch.

Scarecrow: But I need to get a brain!

Dorothy: And I need to get home!

Tin Man: And the witch is very wicked.

Dorothy: But how can I kill someone?

Toady: Maybe I can help.

Tin Man: You? You don’t look like you’ve done a day’s work in your life!

Toady: I’m a supervisor, of course I haven’t. But maybe I can explain to you just what the witch has done to deserve her fate. A long time ago, Oz was all one country, ruled over by a fairy sorceress named Lurline. She was good and just and many of us still aspire to live by the rules she set; but then Lurline fell pregnant, and she could not give Oz all the attention she once did. This is when the witches seized their chance; four of the most powerful and wicked witches in all of Oz grouped together, and overpowered Lurline and stripped her of nearly all her magic, although she was too powerful to kill. They divided Oz into four quadrants, and each took one for herself. Singra, who took the south, met resistance from Glinda, who was so powerful it was thought she could only be one of Lurline’s kind. Glinda changed Singra into a rose, and took the south for herself. Similarly, in the North, the wicked witch Mombi was opposed by the kind hearted Jocasta, and ended up turned to stone. But the witch of the east far outstripped Jocasta in power, and the Witch of the West already had an army so vast even Glinda couldn’t oppose her.

Dorothy: The Witch has an army?!

Toady: Yes, the flying monkeys- didn’t you know?

Dorothy: Oh my goodness.

Toady: Yes, I’d say it’ll make killing her considerably more difficult. Now, where was I? Ah yes, this was when the Wizard landed, to find Oz in chaos. He established the Emerald city as a new capital and immediately offered his services to the imprisoned Lurline, who asked him to raise her daughter as his own. But the Witch of the West stole the baby away, and she was never seen again. Lurline, distraught, used the last of her power to return to the fairy kingdom from where she came. That is why the witch must die; she tore Oz asunder and stole away the rightful heir to the throne, making sure it could never be repaired. Please, track her down and make her pay for what she’s done.

Dorothy:...We will.

(The witch of the west steps out from behind her pillar.)

West: I’d like to see them try.

Cat: What was he saying about a baby?

West: It’s not important, let the wizard send this stupid little girl and her mangy little friends after me. They’re no match for my power, and besides he forgot to warn them about the poppy field.

Cat: Well, what’s the point? She’ll get out eventually. They’re not just going to let her sleep to death.

West: The point is that once she’s trapped there, my monkeys can fly down and grab her.

Cat: You’re going to use the monkeys? Are you sure that’s safe?

West: Don’t worry, they’re completely under my control. But this time, I’m going to have them bring her here- someone always helps her out there, but I reign supreme in the west.

Cat: But even here, you won’t be able to lay a finger on her.

West: No, but there’s more than one way to skin a cat. (The cat looks horrified.) It’s a figure of speech, dear.

(The witch and cat exeunt, while anyone not a member of the travelling company, the witch of the west, or the cat, lies down on the stage and holds their hand up like a flower. The travelling company then walk on.)

Scarecrow: Are we sure we’re going the right way?

Lion: This certainly looks scary enough to be a witch’s hideaway.

Tin Man: Poppies!

Dorothy: Well, they’re not very scary.

Lion: They’re not?

Dorothy: No, they grow near where I live. They’re fi-

(She drops asleep. Toto runs up to bark, but too succumbs to the poppies.)

Lion: What’s happening?

Scarecrow: They must be magic poppies!

Tin Man: Oh, Dorothy! (Starts to cry.)

Lion: I’ll save her!

Scarecrow: Lion, wait!

(Inevitably, the Lion falls asleep.)

Tin Man: Oh, what’ll we do?

Scarecrow: Stop crying for a start!

(The Tin Man and Scarecrow freeze as the Witch of the West and Cat step forward, the witch wearing some form of headgear. Slowly, the people playing the poppies, begin to rise, as though from the dead, and assume the form of the monkeys. This should be as horrifying as physically possible, with hellish lighting. When they’re fully monkey, she stops.)

West: There are five travellers in the poppy field to the east! Fly out, grab them, and return them to me. Don’t harm them- I want that pleasure myself. Now, fly! (The monkeys start jabbering and being as scary as possible.) Cat, call me when they return, I’m off to get supplies.

Cat: What more could you possibly need?

West: Water, air and fire. (Cackles and exits. The Cat picks up the telescope and watches in horror as the monkeys swarm around the travellers.)

Tin Man: Maybe they can help us?

Scarecrow: I don’t think they’re here to help...

(MONKEY ATTACK SEQUENCE- in which the monkeys grab all five travellers, with the sleepers waking up, and then spin once on the spot, and then deposit them to the floor to show they’ve moved to the witch’s castle.)

Cat: They’re here! (Backs away.)

(The friends look around, bewildered, then the witch enters, carrying a bucket of water and a poppy. She walks up to the tin man, and dumps some of the water on him, he rusts instantly.)

West: Water.

 (She walks up to the lion and blows poppy dust in his face, he falls asleep instantly.)

West: Air.

(She turns to the scarecrow, and raises her arms as though casting a spell. Whatever was done to represent fire when the wizard was acting as it is done again, this time in a ring around the scarecrow.)

West: Fire.

Dorothy: You’re the witch of the west.

West: Clever girl.

Dorothy: Please, you can have the shoes.

West: You came here to kill me, dear. I take that rather personally.

Dorothy: What have you done to my friends?

West: I’ve trapped them here. Now they can watch as you starve!

Dorothy: No!

West: You’ll grow thinner and thinner, until the shoes just slip off your cold, dead feet!

Dorothy: Please no!

West: And then I’ll have my shoes, you’ll be dead and they’ll have watched the entire thing!

Dorothy: You monster!

(Toto barks at her, and she turns, momentarily distracted. In this instant, Dorothy grabs the bucket of water from her. The witch screams, but Dorothy dumps the bucket’s contents on her head. The witch begins to melt.)

West: You horrible brat! Look what you’ve done!

Dorothy: (Realising) Witches don’t do too well in water.

West: Who told you that? (Either lies on the floor or exits.)

(For a moment, all is still. Then the monkeys stand erect.)

Monkey #1: Well, that’s a relief.

Dorothy: You can talk?

Monkey #2: Of course. What do you think we are, savages?

Dorothy: Um...

Monkey #1: (Examining the puddle that is the witch) Well, you certainly did a number on her.

Dorothy: Is she dead?

Monkey #2: Well, I should say so, but there are a number of animals that can survive such a process. The Evnian melting slug springs to mind-

Monkey #1: Yes. She’s dead.

Dorothy: Oh.

Monkey #1: (Points at Monkey #3) You, go alert the other monkeys!

Monkey #3: You’re not the boss of me.

(Monkey #1 puts on the crown and points at Monkey #3.)

Monkey #1: You, go alert the other monkeys!

Monkey #3: Every time. (Exits.)

Monkey# 1:  And I can’t thank you enough. We were slaves to the witch, forced to do her every whim while she wore the crown. But now, we’re free again, and we owe it all to you, you wonderful, wonderful witch.

Dorothy: I’m not a witch, I’m-

Scarecrow: Dorothy, not to interrupt, but your friends are in mortal peril.

(Motions at the Lion and the Tin Man.)

Dorothy: Oh, right! Can you help my friends?

Monkey #1: But of course.

(Dorothy tends to the Tin Man with the Oil Can. He moves again.)

Tin Man: Oh, thankyou, Dorothy, I thought I was going to have to watch you die.

(The monkeys are trying to nudge the Lion awake.)

Monkey # 2: It’s not working- it seems to be a case of dormis totalis, or-

Monkey # 1: (Putting his hand over Monkey #2’s mouth.) I have an idea.

(He takes the witch’s water bucket and tips it over the Lion, who springs awake.)

Lion: Hakuna Matata!

Dorothy: Lion, you’re ok!

Lion: Oh, I was having the most horrible nightmare! I was being dragged around oz by this insane group of misfits and we were trying to kill this other misfit and there were all these hairy misfits with wings and- oh wait. Hi guys, great to be back!

Dorothy: The witch is dead, Lion. We’re safe. (He hugs her.)

Scarecrow: Oh, Dorothy, you did it! You outsmarted her! I’m so proud of you!

(They group hug, Monkey # 2 tries to join in, but Monkey # 1 stops him and shakes his head gravely.)

Monkey #2: Um, Miss Dorothy, seeing as you did, er, save us from a life of perpetual slavery and all, we were wondering if you’d like a lift. We’re faster than most broomsticks, you understand, except of course, when they’re boosted with a speed hex which-

Dorothy: We’d love a lift back to the Emerald city, if you could manage it. We need to tell the Wizard that she’s dead.

Monkey #1: Of course, of course, and would you mind if we keep the witch’s crown? That way no one could control us again.

Dorothy: Of course! Here!

(Against the wishes of the other monkeys, he dons the crown.)

Monkey # 1: Now, I’m the king! (Cackles.) Fly, my pretties, fly!

(The Monkeys fly off. The friends stand, confused.)

Tin Man: I guess we should follow them?

(They exit. Ginger and Amy enter.)

Ginger: Not long now, Girls. We should reach the Emerald city within the hour! Everyone take a break, and be prepared to draw your swords! I don’t expect much resistance from the guards, but we should be prepared just in case!

Amy: Ginger, I’m scared.

Ginger: Don’t be.

(Pause.)

Amy: That’s it?

Ginger: Yes. Stop being afraid. This instant. It’s a wholly unattractive quality that helps no one.

(There is a swooping noise from above, both look up.)

Ginger: What on earth?

Amy: Monkeys?

(They look at each other.)

Ginger: The Witch of the West must have fallen! There’s no time to waste! Everybody, move out! We must reach the Emerald city at once!

(Ginger and Amy leave, with Amy staring at the sky. Toady enters, looking nervous.)

Toady: My liege, a dispatch from the west. They say the witch has fallen.

Wizard: She actually succeeded? Fantastic! Now, go and get me the items I told you to acquire, and when they arrive-

Toady: Actually, sire, they’re here right now.

Wizard: What? Stall them!

Toady: They’re with the monkeys, sire, who are quite terrifying.

Wizard: I don’t care just-

(The friends enter the room. The wizard ducks back, and the four doubles step forward, somewhat clumsily.)

Wizard: Giant head! Giant head!

Dorothy: What?

(The doubles assume the head, but trip over each other while doing so.)

Wizard: I am Oz, the great and terrible! Who are you and why are you bothering me?

Dorothy: We’re the ones you sent after the witch, your majesty.

Wizard: Really?...I don’t remember doing that.  

Tin Man: What?

Scarecrow: Surely, you must remember? Admittedly, you looked a little different then.

Wizard: It must have been a different wizard.

Lion: Oh, sorry for your time.

Dorothy: No, it was you; it was in this very room. You were a clown, and you shouted and were very rude and you gave me an impossible task which I’ve done and you promised to send me home!

Wizard: Well I have no plans to, so there!

Scarecrow: You do as you promised!

Wizard: Or what?

Lion: Or I’ll tear you limb from limb!

Tin Man: And I’ll chop you into pieces!

Wizard: How dare you?! Do you think I’m just some witch you can melt? I am Oz, all powerful!

(Toto, who has been sniffing around, suddenly runs behind the giant head. The wizard screams.)

Wizard: Ah! Get away! Get away!

(The Wizard runs into full view, and the head disassembles.)

Wizard: Is he rabid?

Dorothy: No!

Tin Man: Who are you?

Wizard: Nobody. I work for Oz.

Scarecrow: I know that voice. It’s you! You’re the wizard!

Wizard: Yes! This is but one of the many forms I can assume.

Lion: No, this is you. The real you.

Wizard: Alright. Fine. I’m a sham.

Scarecrow: You have no power at all.

Wizard: Well, that’s not true! I’m actually quite a good politician.

Scarecrow: I mean, you can’t give us what you said you would.

Wizard: On the contrary. I’m a man of my word.

(The wizard starts shuffling through his pockets, before thinking of the hat he’s wearing and then takes it off, and hands it to the scarecrow.)

Wizard: This hat is stuffed to the brim with brains. The wearer will automatically be the cleverest person in the room.

Scarecrow: There are no brains in here!

Wizard: Well, of course they’re invisible! Wearing brains on top of your head would be most unfashionable!

Scarecrow: Oh, of course!

(The wizard dips into his pockets again and then finds the nose he used for the clown and hands it to the Tin Man.)

Wizard: I sent some people to look through the witch of the east’s belongings once she’d perished, and what should I find? Your heart- kept alive with magic, sitting on her shelf.

Tin Man: She kept it?

Wizard: Yes- she was a notorious hoarder.

(The wizard reaches into his coat and produces a hip flask- he looks, takes one final swig and then hands it to the Lion.)

Wizard: Drink this, and I promise you will have no hesitations in joining a fight.

Lion: There doesn’t seem to be very much in here. What if I run out?

Wizard: Don’t worry; they sell it at all pubs and most shops.

(The lion sniffs the bottle. The wizard turns to Dorothy.)

Wizard: As for you, my dear, I had to think a little harder. But it finally occurred to me- did you know I’m from Kansas myself?

Dorothy: You are?

Wizard: Yes, I used to work for a travelling fair. I’d give the residents hot air balloon rides. One day, I went up, knowing full well there was a twister approaching. I got blown to Oz, where they presumed I was some kind of magic man.

Dorothy: And you never thought to disillusion them?

Wizard: Yes, well, it never came up. Anyway, I had them repair my old balloon; I’ll give you a map, and you can easily fly back to Kansas.

Dorothy: But if you could have just had your balloon repaired at any time, why didn’t you do it earlier? You could have gone home.

Wizard: I didn’t really want to go home; yes, Oz has its perils, but it’s really quite beautiful. Besides, I was a nobody there, here I have a purpose and people look up to me. Plus, I can’t just abandon my subjects.

Toady: Sire, there’s an army of women in the city- they took out the guards and they’re after your blood!

Wizard: (To Dorothy) You’re on your own, darling!

(Runs offstage. The Tin Man runs after him.)

Tin Man: Come back!

(The other Friends try and follow, but are blocked by the body doubles.)

Ginger: Where is the wizard?

Scarecrow: He absconded.

Ginger: Typical. So, I’m looking at the ones who murdered the witch of the west. Couldn’t handle a woman in power, huh? Didn’t like someone challenging the patriarchy?

Dorothy: Actually, I killed the witch.

Ginger: Well, then, she was a bad role model for young girls, using violence to get her way. You, though, are a much better example, Dorothy Gale. You always do what’s right, but you never raise your hand to a fellow sentient being.

Scarecrow: She’s killed two people.

Ginger: Quiet! No one asked your opinion, pig! The Emerald city is now under my command, and there are going to be changes: no longer will the women of Oz be the indentured servants of their male opressors. Now, the females will be in charge, and I won’t be surprised if things are a darn sight better organised from here on out.

Dorothy: You want me to run the emerald city?

Ginger: Ha! No. While I thank what you’ve done in uniting the women of Oz, Dorothy, I don’t really see you in a managerial role, do you? You’re more of a hands-on kind of girl. I, however, am more than willing give up the blade to best serve my people.

Lion: You can’t just declare yourself queen!

Ginger: The wizard did.

Dorothy: Queen?

Ginger: You men, get outside with the rest of them. This city’s filthy, and it’s time to wash away what was.

(Glinda enters, but is not in the same space as the others.)

Glinda: Am I addressing Queen Ginger of the Emerald city?

Ginger: Who said that?

Glinda: I am Glinda, the good witch of the south. I wish to speak with you.

Ginger: And why might that be?

Glinda: To congratulate you, of course. And also to set up relations between the capital and my own southern domain. Your predecessor refused to grant me access, he was afraid of powerful women. I trust you will be more obliging?

(Pause.)

Ginger: Of course.

(Glinda steps into the scene, everyone reacts as though she’s just appeared by magic.)

Glinda: I love your throne room, Queen Ginger.

Ginger: Any more magic, and I’ll gut you, you hear?

Glinda: I can’t perform magic here while the ruler of the city forbids it, your majesty.

Ginger: Good. Excuse my mistrust, but we’ve been under the heel of a sorcerer for many, many years, so I won’t be allowing you spells just yet.

Glinda: Understandable. Would you mind if I borrowed Miss Gale for just a moment? I need to make sure she disposed of the witch of the west properly.

Ginger: Be my guest.

(Glinda takes Dorothy to one side.)

Glinda: There isn’t much time. Lurline’s daughter is alive.

Dorothy: What?

Glinda: Sssh. We can’t let Ginger know what’s happening. My spells indicate she’s somewhere in the witch of the west’s castle.

Dorothy: The witch kept her alive?

Glinda: She couldn’t have killed one of our kind- there are none in this land who could. She merely transfigured her. I need you to find this girl, and quickly. Once she’s in the city, the spell should wear off; she’ll be the rightful ruler. She can permit me to use magic, and I can put a stop to this madness.

Dorothy: Are they really that bad?

Glinda: No one should rule through violence. I don’t agree with the way the wizard ran things, but she’s just as bad.

Ginger: Glinda, surely that’s long enough?

Glinda: Actually, your majesty, I was wondering if I might borrow dear Dorothy and her slaves for a while?

Scarecrow: Slaves?

Ginger: Quiet, man. What for?

Glinda: To clean my city. You have such a surplus of males here, and the south can get so tiresomely dusty. Dorothy would supervise them.

Ginger: Very well, but bring her back to me, Glinda. She’s very valuable.

Glinda: Oh, I’ll be staying here, if you don’t mind. I haven’t had a chance to look around, yet. Off you pop, Dorothy. Off you pop, slaves. Have it looking spick and span.

(The companions leave.)

Glinda: So, where’s first on the grand tour?

(Exeunt Ginger and Amy, Dorothy and the Friends come across the Tin Man. The Lion is positively beaming now that he has his potion.)

Tin Man: The Wizard got away. Now, you’ll never go home. I’m sorry, Dorothy.

Lion: We’re going to rescue a princess!

Tin Man: Come again?

Lion: Come on!

(Looks around, sees where he is.)

Lion: Changed my mind, let’s go home.

Scarecrow: What?

Lion: This isn’t a good part of the forest.

Tin Man: No, wait, go back to the princess.

Scarecrow: How would you know?

Lion: I- I grew up here. Listen, I haven’t been entirely honest about-

(Suddenly, everyone save the Lion is ensnared on a spider’s web.)

Dorothy: What is this?

Lion: It’s a web. Oh no...

(The spider appears on stage.)

Spider: Well, what have we here?

Dorothy: What’s that?!

Lion: Oh no, oh no.

Spider: Tasty little morsels for me to feed on. Delicious.

Lion: Oh please no.

(The spider spies the lion.)

Spider: Oh, if it isn’t the young prince. Too afraid to be a king.

Lion: No, no. Please don’t.

Dorothy: Lion, what is he talking about?

Spider: I ate your father in front of you, little prince. In that moment, you became King. King of all the forest. But did you accept your responsibilities? No. You ran away.

Lion: I had to. I was frightened.

Spider: Of me? You should be. I eat kings. (Turns back to Dorothy and co.) And now I’m going to eat them.

Lion: No!

Dorothy: Lion, help us!

Spider: He can’t. Once a coward, always a coward.

(The lion remembers his gift from the wizard.)

Lion: Not anymore!

(The lion takes a gulp from the bottle and then leaps the spider, taking off its head in one clean sweep. The body collapses. The lion cuts the web, and the friends are freed.)

Dorothy: Oh, Lion, you saved us!

Scarecrow: You’re really a prince?

Lion: No. I’m a king now. The spider was my successor, but he’s been deposed.

Scarecrow: With extreme prejudice.

Lion: I’ll set the forest right once we’ve tracked down Lurline’s daughter.

Tin Man: Will someone please tell me what’s going on?!

Dorothy: Come on! We’ve no time to spare!

(They run off, leaving Tin Man behind.

Tin Man: Okay, then.

(He exits. Ginger and Amy enter. Glinda stands a little way off.)

Amy: Are you happy now, Ginger?

Ginger: Very happy. We’ve overthrown the rule of men, and turned the world on its head.

(Two men enter.)

Man #1: We’re tired. Housework is hard.

Man #2: Can’t we please just have a rest?

Ginger: No. Keep working! I want you to be able to feel the bones in your fingers!

Man #1: Please, this is torture!

Ginger: Now you know how women feel. Now, get back to work!

Amy: Ginger, I thought we were fighting for equality?

Ginger: Whatever gave you that idea?

Amy: Ginger, you’re acting like-

Ginger: Like who, Amy?

Amy: No one.

Ginger: Remember what we’re fighting against, Amy. Remember Nicholas? Remember how he ran away?  He decided he didn’t love you anymore, left without a word and left you alone at the altar. Men are scum, Amy. Don’t ever forget that.

(Amy fingers the necklace around her neck. Ginger and Amy exit. The friends enter.)

Dorothy: Ok, Lurline’s daughter should be somewhere around-

(The cat enters, hissing and spitting.)

Cat: I won’t let you kill me!

Dorothy: Calm down, we’re not going to kill you.

Cat: You killed the witch of the west.

Dorothy: That was an accident.

Cat: It didn’t look like one. It looked like murder! (Hisses again.)

Scarecrow: We’re looking for someone the witch was keeping prisoner.

Lion: You haven’t seen any fairies, have you?

Cat: No. There’s no one else here. There never was. Except the monkeys. And they were asleep most of the time.

Dorothy: Well, if it was just you and the witch...

Scarecrow: Then logically, it must be you we’re looking for.

Tin Man: Her? She’s a cat!

Lion: I’m a cat!

Tin Man: You’re a big cat, that’s different.

Cat: Do you think I’m not dangerous?

Dorothy: Stop it! What’s your earliest memory?

Cat:...why?

Dorothy: We need to know.

Cat: The witch, adopting me as a kitten. She took me off a man; she said he was a wizard.

Dorothy: Then it’s you! You’re the princess!

Cat: I’m a princess?

Lion: (Showing off.) Yeah, well, I’m a king!

Dorothy: We don’t have time for this. We need to get you back to the Emerald city.

Cat: Where I’ll be a princess?

Dorothy: Yes.

Cat: Woo-hoo!

(They exit. Glinda and Toady enter.)

Glinda: We need to get all the men out of here- I can get you to the gate; can you take them from there?

Toady: Oh, no, I don’t think that’s wise. I quite like it here.

Glinda: You’re being kept as a slave.

Toady: Better to serve in hell than rule in- no wait, that’s not right.

(Ginger and Amy enter.)

Ginger: What’s going on here?

Glinda: Oh, nothing-

Toady: (Cheerfully.) She was goading me to escape.

(Ginger clicks her fingers, Guards come and drag Glinda away.)

Glinda: Toady!

Toady: Well, I can’t lie!

Glinda: Amy! Please!

(Glinda is dragged away, Ginger smiles and exits, Amy looks uncomfortable, then exits. The Friends come up to the wall of the emerald city. Two of Ginger’s guards are standing around, holding some kind of electronic device (and, yes they had metal detectors in the Victorian Era).)

Scarecrow: They’ve set up metal detectors!

Lion: Metal detectors? What are they?!

Scarecrow: They detect metal.

Dorothy: Tin Man, you won’t be able to go through.

Tin Man: I just won’t bring my axe.

Scarecrow: What about your head? Can you take that off and leave it behind as well?

Tin Man: Actually, yes.

(He goes to show them.)

Dorothy: We don’t have time for this! Tin Man, I’m really sorry- we’ll come back as soon as we can, I promise. Come on, everyone.

(They all exit one way, Tin Man goes the other. The Toady brings on Ginger’s throne, bows, she slaps him.)

Toady: Thankyou, Ma’am.

(The Toady exits. Ginger hears the Friends coming and ducks behind the throne, then pulls the Toady behind with her.)

Dorothy: What do we do now?

Scarecrow: I don’t know. I thought Glinda would be here! Where is she?

(Ginger emerges from behind the throne.)

Ginger: In the dungeons, awaiting trial. She tried to free him.

(She points at the Toady.)

Toady: I elected to stay!

(He goes to hug Ginger; she points her sword at him.)

Ginger: And now I know you’re working with her, you’re guilty by association. Amy!

(Amy enters.)

Ginger: Take them to the dungeons.

(Pause.)

Amy: No.

(Pause.)

Ginger: What?

Amy: This has gone too far, Ginger. You’re hurting people. (Raises her sword.) Stand down.

Ginger: Traitor! Enemy of feminism!

Amy: No, Ginger, I’m a feminist: you’re just a bigot.

(Ginger goes to slay Amy, when Tin Man bursts in.)

Tin Man: (Out of breath) I managed…to climb a wall…seeing spots…but I’m here!

(Amy gawps.)

Amy: Nicholas?

Tin Man: Amy!

Ginger: Nicholas?

Tin Man: Ginger!

Lion: Nicholas?!

(Everyone turns to look at him.)

Lion: I didn’t know that was your name.

(Everyone turns back to Tin Man, Amy and Ginger.)

Amy: You left me!

Tin Man: What? No! She left me! (Points at Ginger.) She left me paralysed.

Ginger: He’s lying.

Dorothy: It’s true; we found him rusted in the woods. 

(Amy turns on Ginger, who starts to back away.)

Ginger: He- he was going to leave you; he was running away!

Tin Man: I was taking a walk- you didn’t even let me explain.

Ginger: He was going to take you away from me. I didn’t want to be alone.

Amy: You took my one chance for happiness. You let me think he’d left me! You let me think he didn’t love me!

(She raises her sword.)

Dorothy: Amy, don’t!

Tin Man: She’s not worth it.

Ginger: I’m your sister.

(Pause.)

Amy: I have no sister.

(She lowers her sword and turns. Ginger raises her sword to kill her. The cat sits on the throne; there is a burst of light and heavenly music, and she is transformed into a beautiful princess. Everyone freezes in awe.)

Princess: I am the rightful ruler of the Emerald city, and I declare the use of magic legal!

(Glinda appears, and waves her hand at Ginger, who turns into a rose.)

Glinda: That never gets old. Now that that’s sorted: (she casts a spell on her throat to make herself louder) attention to all members of General Ginger’s army. Your leader is indisposed, her second in command has defected. You are welcome to keep on fighting, but know that you will have to face me and I will not be merciful. (She turns to the princess.) Hello, dear, how are you feeling? Good thinking, taking the throne.

Princess: I just wanted to know what it felt like.

Glinda: The scarecrow will get you up to speed on how things work around here. I suggest you take him on as your new royal adviser. As well as, (she clicks her fingers, Toady enters) this young gentleman. Quite the dab hand at organisation, you know. How about he shows you the palace?

Princess: Good idea.

(The Princess and Toady exit. Glinda spies Tin Man and Amy, plucks a rose from Ginger, and holds it out to them. They both reach for it, their hands meeting.)

Glinda: Love is always worth the wait.

(Tin Man and Amy kiss. Glinda looks pleased with herself.)

Glinda: Is that everything?

Dorothy: I- I guess so.

Glinda: What do you mean?

Dorothy: Well, I would so love to go home.

Glinda: Right. I presume you’ve tried the slippers?

Dorothy: What?

Glinda: The things you’re wearing on your feet, dear.

Dorothy: They can send me home?

Glinda: Well, they are shoes of travel.

Dorothy: Well, how do I use them?

Glinda: Click your heels together three times, and think of home.

Dorothy: It’s that easy?

Glinda: Yes. They should even work on your dog.

(Toto woofs excitedly.)

Dorothy: You mean I could go home right now?

Glinda: If you like.

Dorothy: Oh, thank goodness! (she suddenly sees how sad everyone is that she’s leaving.) I’m so sorry to leave all of you. (Turns to the Lion) Goodbye, Lion. You’re the bravest man I’ve ever met, and you’ll be a great king. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. (Turns to the Tin Man) I’m so glad you found your happiness, Tin Man, don’t let her out of your sight. (Turns to the scarecrow) Goodbye, Scarecrow. I wish I could take you with me, but I know you’re needed here, to make sure things run smoothly.

Scarecrow: Goodbye, Dorothy.

(She looks around once more, takes Toto’s hand and clicks her heels together.)

Dorothy: There’s no place like home.

(Blackout. End.)