Occupied

Occupied

(On stage, there is a single door, with the frame to the audience so we can see either side of it. Ted enters, a backpack over his shoulder. He glances around.)

TED:

Mum?

(Looks around once more.)

TED:

Mum? Are you in?

(Takes one final look, confirms no one’s in.)

TED:

Sweet!

(Opens the door, walks through, closes and locks it behind him. He then pulls a dress and make-up kit from his bag. He takes off his trousers, slips on the dress, does up the zip, and then opens the make-up kit and pulls out a lip stick. He turns to an imaginary mirror, and begins applying it. He then takes out a mascara, and begins to do his eye lashes. He starts talking to himself.)

TED (Falsetto):

Why, hello! I’m Anna. Pleased to make your acquaintance. What’s that? You want to take me out? Oh, sweetie, you wouldn’t know what to do with me!

(Ted’s mother enters, obviously in a hurry. She runs to the door, and tries to open it furiously.)

TED (Falsetto):

Occupied!

(Ted claps a hand to his mouth.)

TED:

Taken.

MOTHER:

Well, hurry up!

TED:

Ok.

(Ted starts to undo his dress, only for the zip to get stuck. He fiddles with it for a moment, then throws up his hands and starts looking for something to wipe off his make up with.)

TED:

Do you have any baby wipes?

MOTHER:

What’d you need baby wipes for?

TED:

I’m all messy.

MOTHER:

Oh, god, don’t tell me it’s all over the room.

TED:

No! No! Nothing like that. I just- I fell over on my way back from school and I want to wipe my knee clean.

MOTHER:

Well, you can do that in the kitchen! Open up!

TED:

No!

MOTHER:

Why the hell not?

(Pause.)

TED:

I’m unable to move.

MOTHER:

What?

TED:

I just about managed to stumble home, but now my leg is in such racks of agony that I can’t stand up.

(Pause.)

TED:

Ow.

MOTHER:

Oh god. I’ll call an ambulance!

TED:

Over a little stumble?

MOTHER:

You’ve been paralysed.

TED:

I think it’ll pass, if I just rest it. Feels better already.

MOTHER:

Open the door; I’ll give you a valium.

TED:

There’s no need, it’ll be fine soon. Wait, why are you carrying valium with you?

MOTHER:

I found them on the street.

TED:

And you think they’re safe for my consumption?

MOTHER:

Well, they were still in the packet. Look, more to the point, I need a piss.

TED:

Then go next door.

MOTHER:

You said your leg was better.

(Ted gives out a fake cry of pain.)

MOTHER:

Alright!

(The mother exits. Ted presses his ear to the door. When he’s convinced she’s gone, he runs out and makes it halfway across the stage when he remembers.)

TED:

My trousers!

(He runs back through the door, and then hears his mother entering and hastily shuts it.)

MOTHER:

They’re not in! Listen, I’m dying for a piss.

TED:

I still can’t stand up.

MOTHER:

I’m phoning an ambulance.

TED:

No!

MOTHER:

What’s really going on in there?

TED:

I’m having a date with Rosie Palms.

MOTHER:

What?

TED:

You know, I’m hoisting the sail.

MOTHER:

Eh?

TED:

I’m choking the chicken.

MOTHER:

What?

TED:

I’m polishing my staff.

MOTHER:

What are you-

TED:

I’M MASTURBATING!

(Pause.)

MOTHER:

No.

TED:

What?

MOTHER:

Do you really think I haven’t heard you? In your room? You breathe much more heavily than that when you’re tending to yourself.

(Ted starts breathing heavily.)

MOTHER:

What’s going on in there?

TED:

I’m naked.

MOTHER:

I wouldn’t care.

TED:

I’m looking for spots.

MOTHER:

You’d do that in your room.

TED:

I have a girl in here.

MOTHER:

Not in a million years.

(Pause.)

TED:

Will you still love me?

MOTHER:

How can you ask that?

TED:

Do you promise, no matter what, that you will always love me?

MOTHER:

Of course.

(Ted hesitates then opens the door, and steps through it. His mother gasps. Blackout.)

END